man, sometims the computer is too much my friend.
happy halloweed! i mean halloween!
so, this has been the quietest halloween of my life so far. didnt party. went to a ritual - a coven, neo-pagan, perhaps? goddess tradition..umm...hmmm....it was nice to be reminded of death, and grief and pain, but i am always longing for more in these situations. more more more. deeper. it was really um, white, too. y'know...
tomorrow morning i am planning on going to inverness to visit a perhaps just born baby, or be there while it is arriving! birth and death, and that is all there is. oh yeah, love and pain, same diff, right?
all my life, this longing has been following me around, so that i feel like it is my truest companion. what is it? is it the deepest part of myself? dreams unexamined, unmade that turn to nightmares? wanting that keeps me seperated from source? thought and action that keeps me alive?
i imagine myself walking down the street in the fall. when will my imagination envsion myself walking in the woods? walking down the beach? sleeping under a tree?
i have a lot of work to do. there is a lot of work to be done. is this what is keeping me alive? turning turning turning. my body causes my greatest fears. my mind takes care of the nagging.

im going on a trip. in about two hours, at midnight, i will start on my way to the greyhound bus. i am going through sacramento, then meeting don in weed, and then we are going to portland. i love don. i love him so much. i cant wait to see him. it's october 1st. this is a document.
i am packed. i am neither dressed, nor fed. i will take care of that now maybe even shower, what else do i have to do but make playlists of billy idol, heart and iron maiden on seeqpod. hmm? what else? nothing i tell you. i feel physically ugh, so i also must heal myself. i smoked cigarettes this weekend now i am hurting in my throat. well, everything is all good. eat some chard. bye now!

well, im happy to be here. im happy to have finally blessed my room and be working towards some semblance of order around here. i know im a whackjob, and i spring things on people and im in my own alien worlds. thank you universe with providing people patient enough to stand me.

gonna go back to maj-britt's and make a large wall hanging 3 1/2 x 7 or 8 ft. eventually, i am going to make yardage. brilliant.
it's all about these dye-vats im gonna set up in the backyard. indigo dye vats. i ordered the indigo, it's on its way. then it will take a week for the fermentation to be ready. im going to dye my yarn and fabrics in the back porch using a live culture! plANT! PLANTS! im so so so so so so psyched. p.s. im going to be an herbalist. ive known all along. hahahahahah.
goodnight diary, love, vicki

i guess i'll do this thing and take a picture at august 8th, 8:08 am, 2008. if i do it nyc time, it will be 6:08 here and i will have to wake up to take it. i was thinking it will probably be of don's sleeping face. relationships are weird and hard sometimes and make me crazy. however, they have also provided me with some of the happiest moments of my existence and most in the moment moments, and after they have passed, the moments and the relationships from what they were, they have provided me with real deep insight into myself and immense inner growth. also crying, rage, frustration, boredom, pain etc etc... ridiculous amounts of sex, feelings of security and safety, ego challenges, comfort and healing, laughter and f-u-n!
back from ninja road trip. was most awesome, as in the most awesome time ive ever had. re-tied my warp on and making a 72 in woven shibori sample on the same bamboo warp. it looks much better than the last one and the selvages arent too horrible.

i set up a loom by myself for myself for the first time. and it works! and there are no threading errors! the warp is bamboo - 10 in across and 7 yards long! there are a few technical errors - like the warp is going around both beams in what seems to be backwards (?) but i think that it is partially because of the way the beams are looped to the tie-on rod. also, it could have all been set in a smaller dent, but c'est la vie. - i didnt want to do a bunch of calculations to get the right way to sleigh it. i listened to four lucinda williams albums while i did this and it really delighted me. i also really wanted to be able to do this in new orleans someday so will see about that. i found a lady weaver in laplace. she looked like all weavers and talked about weavers how all weavers do which is as the best people! heeheehee! weavers rock! i tell you, you meet a weaver and no matter what they possess an adventurous soul (and also, most likely a kind streak).

...later
ANTS ANTS EVERYWHERE ANTS! I JUST WANT TO EAT THESE CHERRIES IN PEACE!
plus, earlier today i witnessed large harvester ants being delivered via the mail in a tiny testube to their new home in my two year old nannybaby's spage age ant farm which has no dirt, food or water but a bright aqua gel and plugs into an lcd light. the ants dont die apparently, because nasa did a test and this is how ants survive in zero gravity. if these ants dont die i am going to be really creeped out.

it's fourth of july here. friday night. weaving a way here.
lost love really is a tragedy but it has been humanity's choice to make it the way we can all relate to each other.
the reason why i must have children in my life at all times is that they remember joy as the other option (sometimes heh)
back to work.
it's happening! it's happening ! i am becoming the woman ive always known i am!

so here in the bay area life is really grand. summer has arrived finally and with it, drinking. it's been a while since i did some good ol fashioned drinking and it has been agreeing with me well. i even made some friends! i had been lamenting my ability to find some fortuitous females and then BAM all of a sudden they were everywhere with their foibles and feats! women rule y'all. but honestly, the event that has made my heart just open so wide is that i have been hanging out with don for about four months and i have met his friends and it has been awkward for me, and difficult and uncomfortable...mostly this is i think because i feel so out of place being somebody's girlfriend when i am normally center stage. i also didnt understand their relationship with don (prolly still dont) and i didnt understand him (much better) and i didnt realize that i have to give a little more of my self to get a little less resistance. and i dont know what happened...but it happened... and it is very beautiful and i feel like this group of people accepted me this last week and it has really expanded my brain and heart so much. yay! expansion! jupiter! everything is wonderful here and a few times i have even thought of it as home which is a relief and a surprise - a gentle, cuddly babypuppy!
so i saw iron maiden last night. here is a recap. we got to the king street house early after getting sucked out of my hippie vortex in which i even tried to be like "ummm, i need to drink this kombucha" when we were trying to get out of the door for the last 20 minutes. did i mention that sex is great. well, it is. anyway, we got burritos and beer, i convinced everyone with erika's help and once i got don on my side to all take the BART together and get the shuttle to the place and not take cars. leave your cares at home! CARS SUCK. so we took publick transport and drank on the shuttle and it was great then ran around in a parking lot while crystal yelled about walking in the opposite direction you stoners, but whatever it's not like we missed any show. oh it was all so funny being involved in these other fools lives. friends and great and important and fun. aces high was the first song. don started moshing and we all got into it. then a giant man started trying to fling him around and i had to be like "DUDE BACK OFF" to him cuz i have to stick up for my friend but it turned out he was really cool and stayed with us the whole night cuz we were the only ones in the WHOLE F'IN ARENA moshing. and by moshing i mean running around ina circle bumping into each other and screaming and singing and everyone falling on top of each other. thena lady threw beer in don's face and the giant bear mediated with them for a good 15 minutes. i swear don is the most fun person to take to a show EVER cuz he doesnt give a fuck. the volunteer security man came and said "excuse me, we've had a complaint. we would like to make a request for more gentleness." awww! so sweet! then we all fell on each other some more and then the show was over. all kinds of crazy shit involving a huge mummy, egyptians, a british redcoat costume, union jack flag, run for the hills freaking me out happened during the show. everyone kept talking about "eddie" i dont know what this is. id never really heard iron maiden before, only i yearn 4 maiden cover band. i made a new friend who is also a cancer north node, but challengingly enough with a sun in capricorn. ouch. i also told daniel that no matter what, for the rest of his life, whenever he turned around i would be there to bother him. and i told him several times that i would keep him in line forever, and i meant it. he also said that he would say harsh true things to me when the time was right. sarah threw up on the shuttle and the bart. ew!!!! but she still beat all of us home somehow. then we got high high high with chris and watch sigur ros videos and then we drove our bikes home and don almost crashed and then we passed out. the end.

open letter to all my future loves

i will eventually leave you to go to new orleans. if you dont come with, i will not stay. i might not let you go with me. know this now as it is very unlikely to change from my side and will only be deterred by the sinking of the land.

related:
new orleans: i hear you calling. i hear you. i cant come right now. but i wont ever forget and i will always be scheming. i havent stopped. see you soon. maybe for my birthday!?!?!?

in the next two weeks, my popularity will soar. mark my words.

love hurts and im not really so sure i can recommend the romantic variety to anyone except that at its highest high in the peak of its purest eye it is the most feeling feeling i have ever had. but in the insecurities and drudgeries and red flags a blazin that accompany it, that i cannot recommend as an experience you should have and infact you might should avoid that shit. all it teaches you is hard.

hear ye her ye

OKAY. where am i? i am in berkeley california projecting myself into the future through the rocket of the past. here is what my deal is. im listening to wwoz. im finishing up filing my taxes and receiving a very wonderful and friendly surprise from the universe. well, it hasnt ceased...you know, wanting to be in new orleans. it has changed and it is changing all the time and new orleans is changing all the time bet every single ounce of longing, little starlight poking through still sticks.
in all practical manners, here is what i think i am going to do:
immediately i will start taking ec classes online. i will enroll in one now, possibly two if the first one seems easy enough to handle, most probably from bay mills community college online. due to my status of not earning any income, i will receive federal aid to help me pay for my education. i will re livescan, get my official transcripts and apply for an licensed aide permit. i have no idea what this means, but i am going to do it as it will make something easier for me later. in the summer i will take one-two classes from either merritt or laney colleges in oakland. by the start of fall semester, i will only need one more class to have my 15 EC units. This class will be the supervised lab fieldwork that I will pass through working in at the OGS. By December 08 I will have all of my EC credits and I will apply for the site supervisor permit. Okay, so that is Dec 08. January will be 09, that is 10 months from now (AHH! Time Moves So Fast!) I can apply to Master's programs for Fall of 09. Those applications are probably due by Feb 1 of 09. The one at Mill's takes only 15 months to complete for a masters of leadership in early childhood education. i like the sound of that and it is fast. it costs a lot of money but i am completely eligible for all kinds of financial aid. if i start investigating other sources i will find even more money. i can find enough money so that i dont have to pay for barely any of this on my own pocket. If I take a 15 month program starting in fall 09, i will be completed by spring 2010. If I do a two year program, I will be done by either Dec 10 or May 2010. At that point I will have a masters degree in early childhood education and I can do what I WANT to do in the career area of my life which is be professional and be skilled, conscious, trained, educated and thinking about the ways in which I work with children, which being honest, will probably be one of the main ways I make my money for the next five years. (I mean, that gets us to 2013, and who knows after that!?!?)
I am going to save a portion of my money that I can continue to take development classes and plan towards expanding my other interests which are shamanism, weaving, gardening and the outdoors, and travelling.
I will try to budget in my studies at Glimakra studio during this time. I will set up my loom in my house and use it actively. I will keep it dressed as much as possible. I will continue to stay connected to Penland through education in weaving and maybe even donating items to their auctions. At any point during this plan, if I am called and accepted to study at Penland through being a CORE student, I will go. I will also attend a session, be it summer or a concentration or even if it means during a winter residency by the fall of 09.
Also during this time, I will continue to give ninpo a time priority. This is a spiritual practice and I revere it as that. It helps me to have reverence for myself. It helps me to respect others. It keeps me active and on my toes. At the same time, it is strenuous on my body and needs to be counterbalanced by gentle, loving movement. I commit to treating my body in balance and making sure I move in love for my body in all ways. For every demand, I will release.
I will develop my healing abilities.
While im at it, i might as well just kick this eating disorder once and for all and cook for myself like i know how to, love to, and appreciate doing and from which i benefit. oookay!
new orleans, new orleans, always there. i will keep my imagination active. i will return in the next 10 months. i will send my energy there for healing and growth and I will accept its visions, imagery, messages, signals and callings. as it should happen, i will return to live when the time is right.
at my work during this time, i will try to do whatever i can to assist in the positive growth at OGS. when there, i will be present, and try to be as calm, flowing and serene as possible. i will do whatever i can so that my children feel safe, so that they can engage in being children and learn. ooooh man. i will put up psychic shields every morning and harness my energy and power so that nobody subconsciously pulls it from me and so that I dont deplete any children accidentally. i will strive to engage in zero shit-talking. as an alternative i will open myself up to colleagues in a genuine way and try not to create false fronts. i will engage myself in being conscious of breaking down ones that crop up along the way. i will develop my ability to empathize with parents, i will develop my ability to release judgments. i will accept fully my responsibility, i will not be exploited beyond it, i will be upfront about my concerns, i will be active, take action and be professional. i will also have a ton of fun with children.
if work ever becomes unbearable for me I am free to leave my position. Otherwise, I will stay at the OGS until at least Feb 28, 2009. In order to be considered a california resident, I need to live in the state till right around this time. According to the plan, I will have just finished my credentials and will have 12 ece units plus 3 units of field supervision. The applications for masters programs for fall 09 will be due right before this time. The studio assistantship scholarships will be due at the beginning of october during the middle of my field supervision. At this point, i could go to penland the next week for a spring concentration that would be roughly from the beginning week of march till beginning days of may. oh, wow, this happens to be right at the time of jazzfest...hmm, okay, so i could go to new orleans for jazzfest, hang around in my city for a minute, do a little work, soak up sweet sweet sweetness and then i will have one summer before i start my masters. at this point i can work on a farm or a couple, perhaps in hawaii. maybe if i am smart i could research possible schools/jobs in hawaii that could also start in fall 09. or, ANYWHERE IN THE WHOLE WORLD! perhaps i will have developed community here and not want to leave for more than a couple seasons for a few years. it is possible that schools and or work will also dictate the best place to do the next step.
now im getting all dreamy.
okay, that will give me a chance to do penland again and also to be there at another season. it will also give me a chance do farming and to be with the earth and to learn more about earth and the outsides. it is possible that i will also next go the professional route of doing more outdoors practices with children and working in the capacity of a nature setting versus a preschool. the next education step maybe to get more development in the way that will prepare me to work in the national parks, a horticulture therapy capacity, a private or non-profit nature center as the director or chief educator, or in a waldorf school.
In the next nine months, I need to really decide what is the next step of what i want to do, the education i need and where to go to get it and how to pay for it.
in the next nine months, I also need to go somewhere in the world to use a $1350 plane ticket to Vietnam.
Right at this time also, Saturn will be moving into my second house for the next two years.
this is a one year plan with options for the future.
whew.

wow. so i have to go back to school. i have to go back to school to get these early childhood education credits i need in order to teach at the most awesome preschool of ALL TIME. i want to help this woman who owns it expand her vision. it is a nature based, emergent curriculum, spiritual, so beautiful just fantastic place. i want to be there. and oh my god i have to work for it! when i get done with this school - which who knows how long it will take - i will be eligible to be the site supervisor at a preschool. what is funny is i already was that in milwaukee. shoulda taken those ece credits then...c'est la vie. college basically prepared me for nothing and i would be bitter about it but it just is a reminder of how i am an adult now and when you want things sometimes you have to put out effort to get them. at least then i will have more education and credentials and will be furthering my career as tribe mother. seriously, once we have this commune, i'll take care of all the schooling. kat can birth the babies, janna can grow the food, sasha can make the money and mike can make the music and kelly can dress two cats up in wedding attire and rock back and forth. oh, and i can travel to the spirit worlds to find plants to heal us and then sasha can use a beaker and bunsen burner and distill them into remedies.
i need a child development permit. and i am going to get one.
bye for now.

ramgrghamarrrgh

im dating somebody and he's not my ego match and it's OH SO challenging! he keeps asking for what he needs and communicating his feelings and it's making me feel so funny. i need to listen to paul simon. p.s. it's not like when somebody does these good things to do in a relationship that it makes it any easier. youre supposed to want somebody to do these things, right? but then what happens is you have free-flowing and honest communication about what the other person wants and then ack! there's no excuse for not delivering and you have to look inside yourself and see where you need to work on opening and loving and being giving and i thought we were just gonna fuck and fight. my auric holes need filling with your cock, sir! um, excuse me i have some issues to play out here! er, my velvet glove of addiction needs fastening! what is this new thing im doing? it's so evolved

thank you
im sorry
forgive me
i love you

my friends came to visit and it was excellent. we ate food, drank wine, talked talked talked, listened to music, laughed and swore and laughed some more. i love my girlfriends and seeing them is like super healing time.
im getting back into the motherpeace deck one card at a time. happy to be really devoting myself to this craft.
weaving again too, making time to go to the studio everyday must be a priority for me. even if for an hour, even if for a half hour! what a beautiful gift i have given myself!
ninja class takes up three days a week, two hours a day each time which means that in three, no two, no one, no NOW i am more physically fit than i have ever been in my life. it is a beautiful thing. this is what i said would happen: 2008: rock your body (without getting hurt.)
soon i will have a job working as a "helper." which is what i am of course, and is one letter off from "healer" and is totally on the path. with the money i acquire from said job i will continue to further my studies of the arts of the fiber, environmental, martial, mycology, healing, and sacred varieties. my life is getting very, very beautiful here and i am happy. thank you universe! i am grateful and at peace!
goodnight

new orleans

every time anybody here talks about new orleans i am flooded with feelings of shame and guilt and anger and hopelessness. i simultaneously want them to talk to me about it and also to evade the entire situation. kat saying, "well, you werent here so you dont know" in her southern attitude voice and how that really just sums it all up and how nobody from the freakin EAST BAY which is about as far away from new orleans mentality as you could get could have a CLUE what people want to do there, or should do there, or how they feel about anything and so you werent there and you dont know.

'liberal agenda that people should be allowed to return home to places where they have been victims of environmental racism for years' AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH!!!!!! AAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGHHHHHH!!!!!! FFFFFFFUUUUUUCCCCCCKKKKK YYYYYYOOOOUUUUU! 

have a drink. 

go down there for one minute and see if you can say that in somebody's face. fuckin california.  

'tell people that these neighborhoods have to be reclaimed for wetland restoration and have to  be made into green spaces to prevent this from happening again but we will rebuild neighborhoods on higher ground where they can move to - this shouldnt be impossible"

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. go there and tell somebody that in the FACE. 

who is doing anything? 

am i a yuppie?

sometimes i really feel that i am an outkast (heehee) of outcasts of outcastes of all time because i cant even get in with these "radical" folks cuz i dont think like them and im not in with the squares. only children, birds, cats and maybe 6 adults get me. GAAAAWWWWD.

OH YEAH, i forgot, im a shaman. that's why i am like this. shaman has to live on the outskirts of town. only cats, birds, children and maybe like 6 adults get the shaman. shaman isnt writing academic papers on how to save new orleans, shaman is new orleans! shaman is love! shaman fixes your pink eye and your sore belly and shaman is maybe shawoman! no shahuman! HAHAH! 

yeah, so, i keep getting these kicks in the ass here about how i really have to actively focus on my power and claiming it and owning it and using it for the good of the multiverse.

oh and im a weaver too and they're pretty weird.

things im into:

my POWER

weaving

mushrooms

outside

music

sdkasdklfsdn

i met someboday and i like em and now im all berkeley's great, la la la. where am i? la la la. duh duh duh. why does desire wipe out my brain? WHY WHY!??!?!?!?! and who cares?!?!!? la la LA!
but seriously, no, seriously, im serious, i seriously need some bath salts. it's serious. it is absolutely imperative that i do not mistake myself for this other person. i am me. i am me with my plans and dreams. THANK GOD I HAVE THIS LOOM. THANK GOD I HAVE THIS LIFE. THANKS GOD! THANKS GOD! THANKS GOD!
okay. time to clean up this bloody mess.
what i am going to try to do is this:
feel good
feel great!
remember that i am interested in things outside of intimacy.
think one good thing about this person and then for the rest of the day when i try to be all LA LA LA, i will replace the thought with thoughts about god and how blessed i am and how happy i am and how this awesome job is coming to me and how everything is working out and im starting weaving lessons on monday and how im learning so much so fast and im so thankful to the universe for all its love and protection and opportunity and yes! i say FUCK YES!

women, writing, city living

this is it. i am gonna be a writer. yesterday, i started, just started writing and wrote for over an hour and half not even noticing a minute fly by except for when my thoughts accidentally turned to gangstalking (thanks a lot mike, all others, do not look this up, it is not important or real.) writing writing and writing and then today i realized i wanted to be writing more. MORE! and i was thinking about writing, and thinking about new ways of writing and all the different things i wanted to be writing about and writing as the type where just the words sounds so good together and writing as when you think very specifiaclly about getting the perfect meaning out of a word, and writing as maybe one day would could i actually write about something you know, with a purpose? and writing as simple little poetry lines, and writing as a way to pass my time and writing as documentation, writing with a libation. it's all so delicious. delicioso. oh my god! writing in another language! ahh! the whole world!
from now on, whe people say, oh what do you do, i will answer i am a weaver because that encompasses most correctly that which i want, wish and will to be doing and that which when i am doing am really, really doing. (i mean weaving in all its forms)
weave: transitive verb:
1 a: to form (cloth) by interlacing strands (as of yarn); specifically : to make (cloth) on a loom by interlacing warp and filling threads b: to interlace (as threads) into cloth c: to make (as a basket) by intertwining
2: spin 2 —used of spiders and insects
3: to interlace especially to form a texture, fabric, or design
4 a: to produce by elaborately combining elements : contrive b: to unite in a coherent whole c: to introduce as an appropriate element : work in —usually used with in or into
5: to direct (as the body) in a winding or zigzag course especially to avoid obstacles
intransitive verb1: to work at weaving : make cloth
2: to move in a devious, winding, or zigzag course especially to avoid obstacles

to move in a devious course!!! heh heh!
where is the definition of weaving a story?

these are the women whose work i am enjoying reading at the moment:
gertrude stein
virginia woolf
diane di prima
joan didion's memoir "the year of magical thinking"
the lady beat poets

i have also gotten two books out of the library one on female whirling dervishes and one on the women saints of india. these i believe will be good inspiration. for.... ? art!
the voodoo section at the berkeley public library is dreadful. i mean, DREADful. as in two books. gimme a break. also, it offends me when santeria, voodoo, and religions with roots in west africa get stuck right next to new age shit. why are these at the bottom of the religious barrel when they are SO OLD!!! grrrr.... i am going to keep learning about these traditions until i am articulate enough to educate others and speak intelligently about them. in a somewhat related vein, i realize that it is also imperative i work side by side with my emotional writing on new orleans to develop a rhetoric of active imagination and critical thought about my experience there (god, and as a human being on earth, right?)

more later about these subjects. kat is coming to pick me up and i am going to spend two loverly days in the country of california. we will go to the beach, hike around her property, interact with chickens and a dog, cook, drink tea, watch a movie, make books, write, do yoga, and chill. it will be great. ta ta.

everyone is doing a recap of 2007 but all i will say right now is that i was just listening to nina simone and digging it so much and then allofasudden nine inch nails closer is playing and that has been what my night has been like.

should i?
okay:
2007.
bang busted my ankle falling down stairs. missed a bunch of work, limped around like an idiot. three men and a little lady moved into south scott st. feb 1. spent next many months as a devotee of our mother bloody mary. planted and maintained my first real garden. it flourished. realized my connection to the earth. worked with kids and redwood in the swamps. had heart broken very badly. succeeded in new years resolution of "put making art as my number one priority" by applying to penland and getting a full scholarship. entertained many friends in new orleans. went to mardi gras, jazzfest, bayou boogaloo, super sunday, had most fun of my whole life. loved a man. loved many a friend. had incredible sex. turned 25 and celebrated with the bears and my mom in my favorite city in the world in my favorite restaurant on the full moon. made 25th year resolution of "juicy" but woke up that morning with "let go" ringing in my ear. left new orleans. got first reiki attunement. went to ireland. had lowest moments of my life. saw my dark side up in my face. went to penland. had highest moments of my life. saw my light and talent up in my face. talked to god. came to many healthy and healing revelations. had insane thanksgiving. drove to new orleans with .25 of a plan to get to berkeley. flew to berkeley and moved into my new amazing equipped house. made my first solo bedroom in FIVE YEARS. made 2008 resolution of "rock my body" and started early by having the most fantastic solo orgasms ever. i think that 2008 is the year of masturbation. 2008 year of the org. 2008 year of the gasm. i wish orgasm had a better word. there's something a little awkward about it and it really should be more personal and exciting.
anyway,
so far so good.
goodbye 2007, you were sweet and kicked my ass and went by so fast. love for the past.

grr grr grr grr dinosaur head pin

mark has requested that i refer to him from now on as dickfor. dickfor is really getting on my nerves lately. we have been together for four days straight and then today when he pointed it out as in "i cant do this anymore. it's gotta stop" it hurt my feelings and my emotions got all insane and wierdly enough, my first response was we have to have sex now. so, this should teach me that my first response to what i perceive as a rough patch in intimacy is to balm it over with sex. great. but instead i said "i have to put my ipod on now" and ignored him and felt sad all by myself cuz that was all i wanted to do anyway. we have been hanging out cleaning the house. it is a never ending story. it is like uuugggggg. i just want it to be done. yesterday i cleaned out three cabinets full of grubs and it was so gd nasty that when i closed my eyes to lay me down to sleep i saw grubs everywhere.
i broke a full-length mirror at 3 in the morning. happy new year! back to cleaning.