OH IT'S SO ON 2010! my new year's resolution this year is the best one ive had so far.

THANK YOU BLOOD! THANK YOU BLOOD! THANK YOU GODDESS AND SPIRIT BABY, I PROMISE I'LL TAKE SUCH GOOD CARE OF YOU IN THE FUTURE AND THAT THERE WILL BE TWO PARENTS AND A VILLAGE TO RAISE YOU. OR AT LEAST A MORE READY MOM. WHEWWWWWWWW
and also thank you to the acupuncturist and the herb free and easy wanderer, which i recommend to all trying to drop some blood.

my period is a week late. i am making lots of things. i am having a good life. i have friends, and sweet-hearts, a good job, enough money to live healthily. i just ordered a pizza. i dont want a baby right now.

YO - CHITOWN! IM COMIN HOME SOOOON! im gonna be all "PEACE OUT BAY AREA!" for one month! oh my god, i cant wait! im gonna get my brain back! brraaaaaaiiin back! brain back! brain back my baby to me to me!
THANK GODDESS

coffee is as bad for me as alcohol and tabacco. i get so insane.
ciao!

um seriously. why are the berkeley police sitting across the street from me in uniform not doing shit for the last hour drinking coffee. is this their break? do you know nannies never get a break? no 15 minutes. no lunch alone. fuk the po-lice. and when i say that, i mean, why was that song, all she wants to do is dance, by don henley, my first recollection of music? i remember being about 3, in my mom's living room, no one around, me and my cabbage patch doll, dancing to that, thinking nobody is around, no adults give a care about what im doing, and i have a vague sense of knowing that this is about throwing molotov cocktails. a very smart man once asked me, are we anarchists because our parents abused us? all i know is i dont want you to wear a uniform to tell me you have a government sanctioned weapon. i already know. borderlands, crosslands. since i turned 27 my old radar that is true regardless of who is what, tells me the desert will still have me before i settle. so glad so glad so happy. this is the first lover ive ever had that hasnt made me nervous about the future, or made me think that it wasnt something that belonged to my heart and my soul only. the world is my oyster, the road is my home. i love you steve br***. thnk yousomuch. for ever and ever and ever and ever for real!
in my drunken one time ness i ask for some real down hone girls, who get it, yknow who get it. who wanna get there who know dirt, adn dark, and being possessde by som owls and who know some grit, and wanna walk a bit.
i ask for you women, and you men, who know what i mean.
bless uss

uh, i just tried to buy a ticket to new orleans for the week. i forgot i had to work on tuesday. im drunk and i despise all sober people on sunday at noon. dad problems. so homesick i cried a lil. nobody gets it but the walk to the local crackmart. OAKLAND BITCH.

im tired and im happy. im tired and im happy.

hey, goshdarnit im so happy. so really really happy. so very very very very happy. it's my birthday in one day. gonna do something hella brave. birthday present to myself...dealing with the big dadhole. im basically terrified, but it's not like im gonna die. i already know how awful and good i am, simultaneously. i can get in a hole and pull myself back out of it. i am so ever ever grateful to all of my friends and family who have thrown me ropes over the years. bless you! bless me! bless us all ! in one little cobbled street of my heart, tiny tim lives.
so im very very happy because my life is so very good, thanks be to the goddess! my job is lovely, the weather is awesome, my lover is sweet and real, this cool astrology chick is gonna be my friend, there is a kid riding a red mechanical walker up and down the street while another boy runs around him, oh my gosh it is so funny, body is strong and healthy, gods are helping, my mom is doing alright, got to see her, meetin rob in half hour to train.
thank you thank you thank you.

i am listening to liz phair. my mom is coming on saturday at 12:25 pm. we are staying at my nanny family's house as they are out of town. my friend returns in maybe one week! my friend! one week!
move towards stronger, more centered, stacked, upright, straightup, sound. someone who doesnt hold their pee for anything.

in other worlds, im on vacation! holy moly remember vacation!? it's great! it's still great! the relief i feel is immense. i was getting very, very tired there. fuck rent. it is a real, reliable, relayed and revisited conversation i have to have with myself about becoming a prostitute. there is just one step that i cant connect. i think it's the bilquis thing.

took a shower. one step closer to clean livin. now sleep.

whew. that is all. oh my goddess, thank you.

i just need to say dont ever expect me to be normal. AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH HAAHAHAHHAHAHHAAH HAAHAHAHAH

GO TO THE FREEEEEEE SKOOOOOOOOL. go to the free skool. for real go to the free skool. FREE SKOOL. go to the free skool. GO! GO TO THE FREEK SKOOOL! go to te freek skool. go to freek scool. go to the freeskool. free skool. go to the free skool!

woohoo! daylight savings!!! it's light out and it's 6 oclock!! OW! anyway, planted a garden of witchy herbs and bird and bee attractors. feelin good feelin great.
if i won the lottery one thing i would do was get a massage everyday. EVERYDAY!!!

no where else to put this

i could just write this in my journal but anytime there's a question of abuse for me i find it better to put it in accessible places where others can see. lotsa times i will write in a journal for a period of time and then write something really raw and then never be able to write in it again, even if there are pages left. get to raw point, gotta get another journal.
but that's the thing. i think im about to get real raw for a real long time and just stay there. (aside: the "j" on my keyboard is sticky and it makes me see how often i use the word "just". oh, i think i just fixed the "j". realization solved.)
get raw. get real. get clean on the insides...get all those parasites hiding in my warm, wet genitals outta there. parasites and bacteria love to hide in warm, wet places. get all this anger out, get over this shit with my dad. let go and let it go. jupiter is in my 7th house and i better expand my whole notion of what a relationship is. time to get bigger. (but not my belly with a baby.) i might need to rock the whole celibacy thing again for a while. i mean, making out is cool but ive definitely had enough cock in me to handle a bit without. i dont even care about it that much. my uterus hurts. i need to heal myself so bad or i will die. i will still die of course, but hopefully not of old gunk and heartbreak/ache. meditating is good. as is these exercises for opening, grounding and balancing the chakras. yknow what, im gonna smoke a joint and go to the library. ok. bye.

rain rain rain rain rain

it has been raining here. it feels really good. the urgency wore off some. it's cold, but the constricting is worth it for feeling less volcanic all the time. i am so happy. everything feels really good right now. no right now! no now! hahaha. okay...